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Vulnerability, or How to Let Go of Control

Michelle Beyer

The concept of vulnerability has become a bit of a buzzword in relationship therapy. Vulnerability is an interesting concept, because at the core of it is letting go of control. I don’t know about you, but I love being in control! Having some form of control helps many anxious folks, but the cost of not taking a chance can mean lesser relationships.


Let’s throw in a Brené Brown quote, because can we even talk about vulnerability without talking about the woman who brought the concept into the zeitgeist?


“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage.”


I typically see two kinds of people, those that are oversharers, and those who do not let anyone in. Both of these kinds of people are responding to rejection, just in different ways. Oversharers are casting a wide net, hoping that if they are vulnerable with enough people, someone will connect with them. Those who don’t let anyone in have typically been rejected by an important person in their life, and don’t feel the risk is worth the possibility of rejection. Neither of these invite true intimacy into relationships.


Luckily, there is another way! Let’s take some baby steps to create authentic connection with others.


Welcome mistakes - Mistakes during vulnerability are inevitable, and that’s ok! Honestly, making a mistake and owning up to it is itself a way of being vulnerable, and allows others to feel more comfortable admitting their mistakes.


Choose your people - Oversharers, this is for you! You do not need to be vulnerable with every person you meet, and in fact vulnerability without boundaries can make others uncomfortable. Vulnerability can mean more when it’s with a trusted confidante.


Pick your time - Just because you are vulnerable with someone often, doesn’t mean you have to be vulnerable with them all the time. It is perfectly ok to not be in the mood for sharing, or to protect yourself when you are feeling particularly tender.


Respond warmly - Typically, vulnerability invites more vulnerability. Connection is made through mutual sharing and trust. Be aware of your response to others’ exposed feelings and practice responses that continue to build that connection.


I often tell clients that bravery doesn’t exist unless you are scared, you can’t be courageous unless there is some risk. Vulnerability poses a huge risk, because opening up to another person relinquishes control. However, the payoff of allowing others into your inner emotional world can create connection and community, something every person craves.


two hands reaching for a cutout of a black hear

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